Monday 9th July

Weight -10 st 1 lb
(140 lbs)
Loss - 1 lb

Here I am! This is from DoppleMe. And as you can see today I am wearing an orange t-shirt and a brown skirt

I doppled J too!

Here is R

And here is N.

Another weigh in day - why are there so many of them and why do they come round so quickly and why are they so dreaded and why do we do them and why are they always on Mondays and why..............

Yippeeee managed to lose a lb. Now I know I can really make it into the 9 st's if I make the effort. I am going to be so so good today, I really really am.

Looks like a really nice sunny day out there. Poor R is full of cold, sneezing, coughing and generally feeling horrid. I am not sure if she will be going in (see how she is after breakfast.)

PLAN FOR TODAY

Eat healthy
Do some (any) exercise
Drink plenty of water

This is how I will feel today if I do not stick to my plan!!!!!!

Here's my friend and I, Nicola. We have been friends since J was about 2, Nicola's daughter is a year younger than J, they are such good friends. Nicola came round for the day and after school her daughter A came round too.
R was off school today, she really did not feel well at all and was coughing and sneezing and feeling so so yuck.

Here's J and A today.

11.30pm ........I won't binge, I won't. I am not particularly hungry, so I won't binge. It's so bloody crappy how one comment, just one comment can make you feel like .....down I guess, just down. Ah well perhaps I had better go to bed.

I did not binge!
Took R to school, she is not really feeling that good (chesty and head cold) but today is the lasy day for Clarinet practise before the music eve on Thursday night and today is also the dress rehersal for her part in Narnia (with the drama club). Am hoping she gets through the day ok. I am going to the school at 10.15am as they have a visit to the village library and are minus a parent helper - we take the kids to the library with theie teacher and then the 'mum helpers' got for a coffee in the village cafe and then back to the libray to walk the kids back to school

Was talking with Neil last night about my weight (all sparked off by a comment made on a support list of which I am a member. Basically this person had looked at my web site and said she felt.....'sad..and that I was obsessive...and therefore she could not carry on reading my site'
I assume she means I am obsessive about my weight or somethng like that. A lot of people on the site are trying to lose weight - a lot of weight. And, I suppose, looking at me, well I don't look like I need to lose any really??
Neil said he agreed, I was obsessive and he said he thought about all the years I have wasted worrying about my weight when he doesn't think I look that bad. He said I waste time going on and on about how I hate myself and my weight, all day, every day and it is such a shame.
When I first started this web site I did it to try and help me lose weight. I was very overweight, very unhappy and my health was suffering. I was almost 12 stone (168 lbs) which is far far too much for a person who is under 5 ft (I am 4 ft 11 inches, just about).
It did help, doing the site. And I did lose the weight ad then I enjoyed doing the site and carried on. I managed to maintain my weight and then slowly gained back about 28 lbs.
At the moment I need - or rather want to get down to my more ideal weight of about 8 st 7 lbs (120 lbs). That is a good weight for me. Or I will aim to keep my weight under 126 lbs.

The hospital are not happy with me being this weight, the keep sending me to the dietician. I suppose because I have been diabetiv for over 34 years, any extra weight is another thing that is bad for me. I have rheumatoid arthritis in my hands, knees, hips and feet (under control with quite strong drug Methotrexate, I am on 25mg a week - it is a drug used with other to treat cancer - luckily I do not lose my hair and am not puking up with it (some people do). I have to have my bloods taken ever month to check my liver funtions. I cannot come off the Methotrexate or I will end up in a wheel chair. My fingers are nobbly and bent on one hand and I have splints to wear and I keep crutches in case of flare-ups.

Other than that I am pretty fit!!!!! And of course I SO SO SO want to lose these extra lbs. I am not happy with how I look, I know this is stupid, I should not let it ruin/control my life.

Arghghghg just seen the time - gotta go, will carr on later!

Am back. had a latte in the village. R did not want to go back into school, but has done.
Now where was I?
Oh yeah
My weight - well. I think I need to chill out about it. There are a lot of people out there who just need to lose 20 lbs, but they don't let it rule their lives. And when I think about it, I am sure I am not helping R. She is overweight and I know she is not happy (all the issues with school and clothes etc). But having a mum who is always unhappy about her weight, I am sure does not help her. Though I am not aware of saying stuff in front of her, I am sure she hears things I say and how I feel about my extra weight.
I want her to be happy and I want us (as a family) to be happy - not on this constant merry-go-round of self loathng and feeling crappy about weight issues.
Neil needs to lose a lot of weight, we know this, he knows this, R knows this. See, it's constant, neverending. Am I think if we just stopped for a moment and got on with our lives, did fun things and relaxed more and chilled out more - well I am sure we'd all feel 100% better.

Doing this web site does help in that, I can moan and groan and go on about my weight issues on here (rather than vocally at home). But last night I thought, is there an ending? Do I carry on doing the site forever or should I just stop it right now? I don't know.
I don't want to be thought of as OBSESSIVE etc, I don't want people to look at me and feel sorry for me and all my weight issues. But, I can't change what people think can I.
Unfortunately I grew up in a family that are very 'fat' intolerant. I think if I had not been a diabetic I would have been anorexic or bulemic. The way mum and dad are about weight, I DO NOT want to be like this with my kids or (eventually when we get some) grandchildren.

I don't moan about my diabetes (much) or about my arthritis, but I never stop going on about my weight. Arghghghghhghghhghhghg

Perhaps I need to be more positive and like myself a bit more.

No more moaning!!!!!
Ok, what have I eaten today (and does anyone care, I think not) but still, writing it down helps
Bfast - Ww toast
Lunch - Couscous and peppers
Anoon - Few squares of dark chocolate.....well that's it so far, exciting eh!!!!
Am still trying to avoid prepacked/processed foods - not always easy.

Have an app with the Rheumatologist tomorrow at the hosp after work (get one about every 6 months), am up to date with all blood results so hope they are happy with everything. My joints have been ok, the odd little flare-up but nothing major.

Tea - Ww toast and bacon (Neil grilled some and although I've gone off bacon really, I had some)
Eve - Bowl of multigrain cheerios and skim milk
Todays exercise - walked to school, then home, then back to school, then to village then back to school (from village), got lift home, then walked to school, then to village, then to school, then walked home PHEW!!!!

Oooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkktime for beddybo's as is 11pm and am falling asleep. Plan for tomorrow
Work till 12.30pm - hosp app - eat well - 2 hr dance class in evening...there you go - simple.

Wednesday 11th July 2007

Am just going to relax and finish my book before the kids get home

Saturday 14th July 2007

R and I went to Chester Zoo, had a really great day. Aasmaa and her family went to and we met up with them at 1pm. It was lovely to see them again. (Asmaa, I met via the internet, she was trying to lose weight too - this time she will be losing weight in August (when her baby girl is due)
I find zoo's a little sad here and there cos some of the animals look....well....bored. But it is amazing to get so close to them.
I loved the little monkeys, some of the tiny ones were so adorable.

I'm pretty certain I will have a weight gain on the scales this week since I have not been that good with my food. I am going to try and eat healthier this coming week. I am running out of weeks before we go on holiday.

Blackie is not well. She is not really eating and is quite listless. She keeps sitting in random places and just staring at the floor and is just not her usual self. I have been tempting her with tiny bits of chicken, though she almost puked earlier. We have got to take her to the vtes ASAP, trouble is, we can't do this till next Sunday. I do wish the vets did home visists (and that they didn't cost a fortune). Don't think they do anyway.

Neil is in work all week and there is no way I can carry her in her basket on the bus to the vets, far too stressful for her (and me). I am hoping she is just off colour and she improves over the week.