Monday 5th March 2007

I will get weighed tomorrow. Honest!
I can't remember the last time I had a big binge. I tend to have mini binges really, or rather episodes of eating things I did not intend to eat (thus sabotaging a relatively good day). Take yesterday......... I had eaten healthily all day which was good, spent a lot of the day in bed (this helps witht the not eating), felt a bit yucky (the kids were off school 3 days last week with sicky bug) anyway........ in the evening R kept coming downstairs saying she was hungry, she went in the kitchen and grabbed a pile of rich tea biscuits at 10pm. This made me cross, then Neil and I had an argument about diet and exercise (or lack of it for all of us).... I had meant to not eat after 7pm but ended up having 2 packets of mini crackers and a toasted bagel and to finish the eve off I shared 2 bottles of wine with Neil (this is becoming a bad habit). Neil is buying more and more wine and of course if it's there we drink it.

Read this on the Prevention.Com web site (Smart ways to live well)

The next time you want to binge, tell yourself that you're going to take 3 minutes--only 3--to be with yourself before you eat. Then, sit down, breathe a few times, and with as much kindness as you can muster, ask yourself gently what is going on. What do you need? Whom do you need it from? What would be the kindest thing you could do for yourself now?

If you still want to eat after you've done this, notice how the food tastes in your mouth. Notice how you feel after you've eaten. Ask yourself if eating felt kind.

I think that before I go and eat something I had not meant to eat (assuming I am not starving hungry) then I will do the above, or certainly think twice about what I am eating and why I am eating.

Reasons I ate when I didn't intend to

1. When I am stressed by the kids (mostly) or Neil
2. When I think I'm hungry (usually watching food on tv)
3. When I know there's goodies or stuff in the fridge/cupboards and it 'calls to me to eat it' (or I think it does)
4. When I am preparing food for others (even though I may have already eaten)
5. When we are out (cafe's, shops etc)

Tonight I am making homemade chicken nuggets for tea (not sure what to do with them yet?) The kids are so fussy, I am a bit reluctant to do microwave fries with them but I know that is what they would prefer. The only veggies (un hidden ones) R will eat is carrots...I'll have to do some steamed carrots (J won't eat them unfortunately).

Everyone enjoyed the homemade chicken nuggets (small pieces of chicken coated in flour, then egg then breadcrumbs then baked).

Tuesday 6th March 2007

Weight - 10 st 5 lbs (145 lbs)
Stayed the same

Yippeeeee I stayed the same. Well, it's not that good really but better than gaining.

Been to my Opticians this morning cos I noticed the last week or so that my vision in my Left eye was not as sharp (or so it seemed). She is refferring me to the hospital. She said there is a small bleed near the macula, not sure if this is why she is refferring. I think she thought there may be a problem with the macula and best to get it checked out at the hospital. Am bloody scared. That's the one thing that worries the crap outta me, something going wrong with my eyes. She said they (the hosp) may want to do a fluorescein (this is given as an injection, a dye so they can see the eye more) - this scares me too, the thought of having this?

I am lucky that with working in the Eye Department, hopefully one of the Dr's can see me this Thursday (I am off woek till Friday).

I don't want there to be anything wrong, please don't let there be anything wrong with my eye.

Wish I had more energy, I could just go to sleep (it's only just 5pm). I definately have more energy in the morning. I would've blitzed the house (cleaned) this morning but I had to go to Heswall and the Opticians. I think tomorrow morning I had better get cleaning - house is a tip. Tomorrow afternoon I have to go to a diabetic clinic to check how I am foing on the DAFNE programme. I had a load of bloods done last week and am hoping they are all ok, will find out tomorrow.

Want to comfort eat cos am worried about my eye, but that will do my blood sugars no good, so I won't, probably won't.

Wednesday 7th March 2007

I was soooooooooooooooo good last night and did not have any night time snacks at all, none whatsoever. I did have an early night (went to bed at 9pm - this helps).

Called into work and one of the Dr's was able to look at my eyes (I had drops put in them to dilate them) and thankfully he said they were ok (some diabetic retinopathy but nothing significant). THANK GOODNESS

The after lunch I went along to the diabetic meeting and got some results, they are all ok. My HBA1c was 8.5, they want it to be nearer 7, so I am going to try harder to get better control. My cholesterol was 4.1 (I do take a statin each day) and my blood pressure was fine.

I had a slice of toast for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch and OH BOY am I bloated. I think bread definately bloats me. I have not had a lot of bread lately and I don't think I will either (in future) if I can help it.

Spent a lovely morning in my friend Carmel's, had lunch there (cheese, crackers and fruit). She is a childminder, she was looking after one little boy. It is a long time since I watched Pingu and Postman Pat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walked home, it is nice and sunny but I was dismayed by the size of my shadow.
How can my shadow look THAT fat? And the shadow was not distorted by the angle of the sun/me. It looked like a true me. Too fat, way too fat, bloody awful in fact.

Yesterday I was soooooooooooo bloated I could not wear my stretchy jeans to dancing and wore a loose skirt. I don't want to be this size, I don't, I really don't. I have rolls of fat on my back, it is so horrible. I don't know which is worse the front of me or the back of me............and sideways I look worse again.

Saturday 10th March

Why are weekends so stressful in our house? We all had a bit of a lie in which was nice, Blackie woke us meowing for food. I said to Neil "Where shall we go for a nice walk today"? (as we had talked about going for a long walk on Saturdays and Sundays to help us all get fitter/lose weight). Anyway R heard me and said she DID NOT want to go for a walk, then came a long argument between us all and a fair bit of shouting.

Anyway we all appologised to each other then decided on a compromise. We aren't going to do the long long walk but drive to WK and walk around the lake there. We were going to walk to WK but it is 4 and a half miles there (so almost 9 miles there and back).

J got 100% on his guitar solo (on the bass) in school yesterday (for his GCSE ) and he did an ensemble (with Neil), J on bass and Neil on acoustic guitar and he pretty much got 100% for that too. Neil and J performed the pieces for me last night (I had heard them practising but not properly). WOW. It was lovely to listen to, I am so proud of Jonathan.

West Kirby Lake - we went to West Kirby, had lunch in a nice cafe and then walked round the lake. It was quite windy and blowing the sea water over the walkway, it was dun, R enjoyed getting splashed! I said we shall go for a wnice walk tomorrow too!

We are going away for a week at Easter, to the converted chapel we rented in the summer and on the last weekend just before they go back to school we are off to Yorkshire to stay in a travel lodge (£15 for the night for all of us). I met Asmaa on the internet (she was trying to lose weigh too). Last summer we met (we arranged to have a day out at a safari park, Asmaa came along with her 3 little ones and her hubby. So we all had a nice day out and it was great to meet them for the 1st time. Then later in the year we went to Halifax Eureka science museum and we all met up there for the day. This time we are going to stay near Asmaa and her family and meet up again, Asmaa is expecting her 4th little one in the summer.

Sunday 11th March

J is getting a drum kit for his birthday