Monday 26th Feb

Don't want to get weighed today so probably won't. Well there's no one to tell me off is there, and so what if I don't get weighed for one week, so what.

9.15am....I did not hop on the scales this morning (too scared!), I might go on them tomorrow. I got soaked on the way back from taking R to school
I have not been very good lately at planning family meals. I had a look on the web site NetMums and this has lots of recipes on it and a meal planner. I think I need to make healthier meals for us all.

Have made a shopping list and am going to Tesco later

So todays for tea I am doing bangers and mash with veggies and later this afternoon (or when R gets home) I am making Banana Oat Bars (from the WW recipe book)

Blackie has a gooky discharge coming from her ear and she keeps losing her balance. Rhi noticed her loss of balance before we even saw she had an ear discharge. She is slightly off her food and sleeping a lot. I so hope she is ok and it is a simple ear infection. I am taking her to the vets tomorrow (Judith is giving me a lift in her car). I keep thinking every symptom Blackie has is to do with the leukemia virus she has. She is the sweetest little cat every (if a pain in the butt sometimes!), she is so tiny and lovely and needs our care and love.
Blackie asleep (she is about 18 months old and has been diagnosed with feline leukemai virus. The vet said she has 3 years max probably - though his words were it could be months or it could be a few years.

Tuesday 27th Feb

 Not looking forward to trying to get Blackie in her cat box, it is SO difficult and I worry about hurting her trying to puch her in. Judith is coming round shortly.

J is off school feeling sick AGAIN and R went to school moaning that she also felt sick (but I think she is just saying it cos J is off). Took R to the walking bus and felt awful sending her off. Now I feel stressed.

I ate badly again yesterday. My blood sugars are all over the place and I feel tired again all the time. Had some wine last night (this is becoming a bad habit) and of course I ate chocolate again, too much of it. I have got to get my diet sorted out. I mean, I went to the supermarket yesterday and got healthy stuff so why am I still doing stupid things and making myself feel like crap?????????

I got Blackie in her box quite easily, now I know she is not well.

Took her to the vets with Judith. The vet said she has a severe middle ear infection, they have kept her in and are going to sedate her and clear her ear out and dose her with antibiotics. They said she can come home later. They will giver her something for the pain. OMG. My poor little Blackie. I did not want to leave her. She did not budge an inch when the vet was looking in her ear and at her eye, her eye is affected cos of the fluid on the nerves. Please please please let her be ok.

It's 1/4 to 12 mid day. I have to phone the vets at 3pm to see how Blackie is.

We got Blackie home from the vets. She is ok a bit wobbly though. The vet said it is a really nasty infection, she has had a shot of a strong antibiotic and also has 3 weeks worth of antibiotic pills. All we can do now is pray that all this does the trick and she is ok.

Mum was on the phone getting at me about R's weight asking have I taken her to the GP yet to get her reffered to a dietician. She said how can I NOT do this for R, she said she hates to see R as she is (ie FAT). Then she said didn't I know that parents of obese children are going to start getting into trouble. I know R has a big weight problem, I know she does. And now I feel guilty that Neil and I are not trying hard enough to help her lose the weight. And I look for people to blame ie me and Neil. Me for not giving her a better diet and Neil for never doing anything with her like some sort of exercise and both of us for doing neither of these things. She is very big and does get stared at when we go swimming. I feel so angry at myself for being overweight , angry at Neil for being so FAT and bloody angry at how we seem to do nothing about R's weight.

Neil's in a pissy mood now cos he thinks mum has no right to say anything about R's weight. But I do see it from mums point of view. How hard it is for her to see R (eg when she was having a bath) and see just how big she is. And all mum is doing is blaming us, why aren't we doing anything to help her lose the weight? And I feel feel very angry with Neil (I am blaming him a lot) for the fact he never ever gets off his arse, no wonder he's nearly bloody 19 st. And I'm fecked off with myself for not losing my lbs and having crap blood sugars (putting my future health at risk). Do I want to go blind? Do I want to go into kidney failure (I already have 1st stage kidney disease)...do I? NO. I've been diabetic 35 years and things are going to start going wrong with me cos of all the years I have been shite at looking after myself - and there's only me to blame for this one.

R Aug 2005 then Dec 2005 then May 2006
And now she is even bigger than in May 2006. We had tests done to rule out Cushings and the Dr said she is possibly in early puberty. And I am wracking my brains as to why she has gained so much. but deep down inside I know it is proably purely down to eating too much and total lack of exercise. Me taking her swimming once in a blue moon is not enough. But it's next to bloody impossible to get her out (or Neil) at the weekends. I HATE weekends. We argue and never do anything. Neil whinges and moans constantly saying all I do is nag him (he just wants to rest and not have to go out at weekends - yeah, cos he's worked at the office all week).Rhi just spends each and every day watching telly. She NEVER goes out after school. It's difficult, she has no friends around, she has few if any friends. The girls in class do not like her. She does get made fun of cos of her weight.

I want to blame someone for how I feel, but all I can blame is myself.

11.20pm - feel a bit better, it certainly does you good to have a good moan. I am going to make an effort to cook healthy family meals. Tonight I made spag bol (with hidden carrots!) and some pancakes using wheat free flour. Tomorrow we are having corned beef has with hidden veggies (mixed in) and I will do some low fat bananas and custard. I think maybe if I am more organised and make proper meals hopefully it will help Rhi. I am not going to buy crisps or chocolate biscuits. R does like rich tea biscuits so I get the lower fat ones of these. And ok, if I let her she will work her way through over half a packet with a cup of tea, but I have got to get her to eat healthier. I am going to make sure we have plenty of fruit in (she does like most fruit). I was pleased tonight that both J and R ate the spag bol and did not complain about the carrots in it.

I am not NOT going to weigh myself this week. I know full well that I have gained weight this week. When I walk around my tummy wobbles YUCK. Nothing bad will happen if I don't get weighed this week. I just don't want to put myself through it!!!! So - I am going to try my utter best to eat better between now and Monday when I get weighed next.

Wed 28th Feb

 Back to work.

Today I am going to

1. Eat healthy
2. Avoid snacking after 7pm
3. Jump on the trampoline for 20 minutes after lunch!

Thur 1st March

 Ok day in work. Feel tired now (it's almosy 7/30pm)

Yesterday I did eat fairly healthy, didn't jump on trampoline but I did do an hours line dancing class. I did eat after 7pm but only wafer thin chicken, a orange pepper and some mayo lite......hopefully not too bad?

Someone gave me a copy of a 3 day diet (supposidly the British Heart Foundation Diet) - alled the Beetroot diet. It's a restricted diet you do for only 3 days (once a week/every 2 weeks/once a month whatever)

Yep, it's a fad diet. But 3 women in my line dance class said they had tried it and lost weight (didn't say whether they kept it off though). The woman who gave it me says she does it once a month, to lose about 6 lbs a month!

Sometimes I wonder, if I just didn't follow any diet plan and forgot about DIETING altogether and tried not to think about food food food etc and just for on with my life (ie enjoying it) then maybe I would lose the weight without really trying too hard???????? Or maybe if I did this I'd just gain lbs and lbs???

I know the key things are

eat less - healthier foods (ie more fruit and veg less processed stuff - avoid sugary high fat foods)
Move more - exercise more.

My picking snacking bingeing and well, laziness really, this is what stops me losing weight.

Friday 2nd March

 Had a really nice meal out in an African restaurant with people from work (it was a 40th nirthday do). I was very good during the meal and only had 1 soda and lime and then iced water. I even left a little bit of the lemon cheesecake at the end! Srill ate far too much though, it was so nice.Little pic of the restaurant we went to.

Saturday 3rd March

 Lovely sunny but slightly cold day outside. Am already feeling stressed as I just said to R, we will go for a walk later (of course she said NO) She has GOT to start getting some regular exercise. There are plenty of nice places to walk round here but we never go. R is not just lazing around the house all day watching tv.

Neil is doing ok losing some lbs (he cut down on the bread last week). I on the other hand just know I have gained cos my work uniform was tight this week. I am so dreading getting weighed on Monday.

Cooked a nice meal of fresh tune (no one else had any, they didn't like it) typical.

J and I caught the bus to Heswall (we needed to get to the building society before it closed), R and Neil walked it (I think it is about 2 and a half miles), then we went to a cafe for lunch and then we all walked home. So I am glad we got a longish walk in today...and R and Neil walked it there and back too!

Sunday 4th March

Slept a lot today, headache and feeling yuckish.

Made a spicy quorn recipe in the evening, Neil enjoyed it but R and J refused to eat it. Also made a homemade apple crumble and custard. I have decided to try and do proper meals with puddings (low fat) in the hope that this makes R snack less, also if she has to snack I want it to be on fruit or yogurts.

Again I am trying not to eat after 7pm, hopefully this cuts right down on my snacking.